It’s been almost 13 years since I’ve written anything more
than messages in birthday cards, emails to friends or posts on Facebook. It’s weird to think I’ve been too sleep
deprived (or asleep) or sick (or busy with sick kids) or just too brain dead to do
something I enjoy so much.
However, as I flip through old files and old photos as I
often do (I used to be a Creative Memories gal, but then I discovered the
heavenly We-Scrapbook-For-You Shutterfly angels) I’ve found a few surprising nuggets
of humor and clarity from those years of living in a perpetual state of
haziness. Perhaps they are nuggets of
insanity. Please be sure to tell
me. Although George Carlin once said,
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.” I have a feeling many of you hear or have heard this kind
of music… If not, that’s totally okay.
Me neither.
I found one of those gems just this summer, and I think after
my post about divorce and crying in closets, it’s a necessary breath of fresh air.
It’s called If You Give a Baby a Bath, obviously inspired by Laura Numeroff’s
delightful If You Give a Mouse a Cookie,
(which you may want to familiarize yourself with before you read the
following or you may never come back to this so-called blog)…
 |
| Having promised my son I would not post baby photos of him, I share this cat picture with you. Today, we'll call him Baby. |
If You Give a Baby a Bath
2001
If you give a baby a bath, he is going to scream like Johnson’s
No More Tears is hot lava. But you knew
that, right? Still, you hoped this time
would be different. He would somehow,
overnight, get over his fear of having his hair washed. Oh... sweet, stupid, hopeful, sleepy Mama.
When Baby screams from the hot lava shampoo, you’re going to
start sweating. When you start sweating,
you’ll wonder why you didn’t put your crazy-ass hair up in a bun and you’ll
search and search for a ponytail holder until sweet Baby starts pulling at 5 of
them wrapped around your wrist.
When precious Baby finds your hairbands, you’ll start to laugh
and he’ll laugh at you laughing at him.
When you are both laughing at each other, you will take this happy
moment to get Baby dressed in a new outfit from Gran. (His fourth change of the morning thanks to the dreaded Beelzebub-created
reflux). This will make Baby cry
again. You will wonder why you bothered
trying to dress Baby while you were both so very happy and you’ll start crying
because you are such a heartless, foolish Mama.
When you start crying, Baby will get big eyes and a
quivering lip. This will make you SUCK
IT UP and start singing, in your best Fraulein Maria, “My Favorite Things” for the
one-hundredth time since 5:30 a.m.. When you start singing, Baby will declare,
“BA!” which means ball and you will both go downstairs to search for it.
When you get downstairs you will realize you did not put dry
pants on after the lava bath. You have NO pants on. But that’s okay because Baby is happily
playing with BA and you are eating peanut butter on a serving spoon. When Baby sees you eating he is going to
demand you share. You will get another
spoon and tell Baby how delicious his
peanut butter is because you won’t want him to know it is actually yogurt for
he is not old enough to eat peanut butter—heaven forbid.
Baby will tell you in no uncertain terms that he is NOT a
stupid baby by crying loudly while reaching for your gigantic spoon of nut
allergens. Gigantic spoons will make you
think of the Pottery Barn dinnerware set you ordered last month. Oh, and the doorbell. The UPS man at the door, ringing the doorbell
while he tries to act nonchalant about looking through the side windows at the
pantless woman holding a screaming baby and a massive spoon overflowing with
peanut butter.
When you make eye contact with the UPS man, you will hop behind the staircase, bumping your arm into the banister, causing the mass of peanut butter to collide with Baby's head, ear and neck. When Baby immediately sticks his hand in the ooey gooey goodness of the sweet-smelling peanut butter, you're going to do whatever it takes. And chances are... when Baby is covered in something a new mom thinks could be a deadly allergen, she's going to lick that baby's head and ear as she bounds pantless up the stairs to the bathtub while the freaked-out, yet intrigued, UPS guy stands and watches.
Dedicated to my new neighbor who is a wonderful new mom, Erika.
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